Resentment isn't really resentment

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So what if I told you that all the anger you feel when you describe resentment

is really not anger at all?

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Now, believe me, I understand, that when you have resentment, you do feel angry... perhaps vehemently angry. And I don't know about you, but anger does NOT feel good to me! In fact, I find it ironic that anger operates as a cover for emotions that in theory I am perfectly okay with!

But we are all human. We all react with various defense mechanisms. And there is nothing that creates resentment like situations which teach us that defense is necessary.

This is wiring in our biology that we all have.

It's the part of our brain that is always scanning for evidence that we need protection. The one that is on hyper-alert when we pass a stranger on a dark street with their hands in their pockets. We need it for safety-physical and emotional safety.

It's our cheap software, it's accessed with ease, and on repeat. It takes less than zero seconds to activate-it's our fight, flight or freeze mechanism. And it has Goliath battle in it...even if you weigh 90 pounds!

So what is resentment really???

Resentment is GRIEF! It's sorrow, it's painstaking anguish. The circumstances that bring resentment are the same ones that buckle us to the ground. The one's that when it finally absorbs into the mind easy has happened- what has been LOST, we can't breathe. We panic, we fall...apart. And then... we get PISSED. The amygdala becomes activated in the brain-we protect. We want revenge. We want someone to suffer like we are suffering.

Some emotions have FOMO (fear of missing out). They invite other emotions to the party every time. Resentment is a big ball of all the feels-anger, rage, anguish, jealousy, disappointment, loss, shame, fear. You name it, and it could be balled up in what culminates as resentment. But at the very bottom of this pile of emotions is the real cuplrit-Grief.

In order to adequately move through our resentment we have to do that icky thing that Brené Brown is always talking about-be vulnerable.

Crumble into a ball and sob your eyes out. Let yourself stop the grind of day to day. Let go of survival, and feel what fuels it all, which is raw, naked, vulnerable pain and suffering. And it will feel terrible, and it will take awhile. AND...

"The way out of hell is on a metal ladder"

-Charles Swenson

No matter the circumstances of what caused your resentment, you must move yourself into active grieving. Passive grieving allows emotions and depression to fester. It's a breeding ground for complete self destruction. And it's the only way to initiate the parts of your brain that calm the need for protection.

In my next blog I will talk more about the HOW. How does one move from passive into active grieving, and what is needed?

Stay tuned!