Understanding Resentment

Resentment:

It’s insidious, energy sucking, and wreaks havoc on our relationships and our mental health.

Where does it come from, how can we move past it, and what does it mean when we have it?

I’m here to tell you that resentment is a common trait among those who have been victimized, harmed or betrayed. And when you think about it, most of us have been in one or all of those categories at least once.

What causes resentment?

The short answer to this is hurt-whether that is from a present scenario or from a past one it ultimately is from pain. Acts of betrayal, harm, or assault can leave us branded-exposed, and bitter. It could come from anything-a spouse that lied to you, an affair, you were taken advantage of and spit out by a partner or friend. Whatever the cause it leaves behind an open wound.

And the ultimate culprit behind the resentment? Anger

What causes the anger? Not anger, but pain, sadness, and GRIEF.

Inhibited grieving is what allows resentment to fester.

When we have been so deeply betrayed, we may engage in survival tactics that don’t allow active grieving to occur.

In my case, I had spent my whole life (or so it seemed) in survival mode.

I had to trudge forward. So I painted it like a new beginning, a fresh start and I carried on. I even told people it was for the best, and that I was better for it.

And those things were true! And they allowed me to carry on…not to feel my pain. So after some time passed, I felt myself fall to my knees. Crying to the Lord about my pain, and not even fully understanding what it was from. I had moved on after all?

Nope, no I had not…not at all. What I had done was kick the can up the road. Meanwhile anger and resentment built itself a cold and cozy place in my heart.

I believed that it would protect me from ever getting hurt again.

And so I was sad. I was sad for a long time! I forced myself into a looking position-where I explored my scars, and recognized how it wrecked me. It wrecked me personally, professionally, and spiritually.

It told me that I needed protection over connection. I slowly unraveled all of those ugly feelings. Ugly is an understatement.

One day I was on top of the world, I had just given birth to the most beautiful baby boy-he was 9 months old. I had a thriving business. And I was working part time. I finally felt I had the full family I’d always wanted.

And then my husband left me, saying he didn’t want to father another child. After the 3 rounds of IVF we went through to have my son, I was a little confused. He took with him his two daughters, whom I had loved like my own. I cleaned up vomit, taught how to drive, bought prom dresses and did makeup, decorated rooms, sent off to college, paid for college.

And the lowest blow of it all was this statement: “I was hoping the IVF wouldn’t work the whole time.”

I was so angry. The mama bear in me was protective, and fiercly determined to keep my son somehow emotionally safe. As I “carried on” my ability to be an effective manager deteriorated. Although I didn’t feel vulnerable with my grief, my anger seeped out sideways. I couldn’t stop spinning all the plates I had on poles or everything would come crashing down. So once again, I carried on.

Victimhood took over my brainspace. And in seeing myself this way, I could keep holding on to bitterness. And the enemy knew I was ripe for attack. I had worked so hard to create a positive work environment, only to see it crumble. It took years to build up, and minutes to come crashing down.

And yet again, I viewed myself as the victim of that too.

I felt I had given everyone everything I had, and they all forsook me.

The truth is, seeing yourself as a victim is food for resentment.

And I don’t mean that being a victim is bad. In truth, victimization did and does occur. The problem with staying in that space, is that, as true as it may be, it is terribly unhelpful.

It gives resentment permission to stay.

Over time I recognized all of the ways my sideways emotions caused the demolition that happened in my life.

And in the end, God gave me (completely undeserved) a new beginning.

I put all my chips in and moved closer to my sister. I started a simpler business model that I could keep up with while being a full-time single parent. I fell apart! And for a long time! And then I began again.

God is so merciful, and so ever-present. He was the only one that saw my true suffering in it’s most raw form. He sat with me, night after night while I cried out for understanding in my earthly mind. That understanding never came, and I don’t think it ever will. But with God beside me, I worked to forgive.

For the antidote to bitterness and resentment is forgiveness. Whether the person you need to forgive deserves it or not, as God gave us undeserved new beginning, we too can give undeserved forgiveness.

Is that easy? NO!!!!! In fact, that sometimes still makes me even more angry!

It takes time and persistence!

Beginning again was as painful as it was beautiful! And forgiveness is not an item on a checklist that is complete because you said it was complete.

It is a journey, with highs and lows. Grief is not a check mark either. It comes in waves.

All we can do is surf them, knowing that as sure as they roll in, they will roll out!

Choose LOVE over PROTECTION! Also not easy when your brain is constantly telling you it isn’t safe!

I have to forgive EVERY DAY

I have to choose Love, Joy and connection EVERY DAY

I have to let go of the belief that I am wronged EVERY DAY

And slowly slowly, God bends me closer to His spirit. Which sees the good in others, over the evil in them.